On the M4, again

A packed train. Your nose is nuzzling the overweight banker’s armpit. Someone’s chatting loudly into their phone about how much “fucking money” they are making. A child is screaming and two girls are talking loudly about their weekend.

“He totally doesn’t deserve you. He’s probably gay.”

“You really think so?”

“Clearly. That girl he was with, they were SO acting.”

And into this coffin packed full of commuters comes the faint beeping of a phone. But… hang on… that’s not beeping, it’s the tune of that Cadbury’s Dairy Milk advert. Who the fuck has that as their ringtone? Wait. That’s coming from my bag. Why has someone put their phone in my bag. Hang on. That is my phone. It’s flashing. I can see it flashing in my bag. Why is it flashing? And now everyone’s staring at me. Now I am red. And I can’t turn the bastard thing off. Shit.

Yes. I did change all the settings on Jade’s phone so that it was not on silent and that instead of an unintrusive beep when a message is received it plays the complete soundtrack to the advert above. And yes I did text her while she was on the packed train from Putney to London Waterloo this morning. She text me back. She called me a cunt. I’d have preferred comic genius, but critics can be fickle.

It was a high spot of a trudging return to the M4 of life. Featureless, repetitive, and full of cocks stopping you from picking up any speed to get to your destination quicker. Depressing.

Which brings me to Saturday. We saw Waiting for Godot on Saturday. It has Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart and Simon Callow in it. It’s absolutely awesome. Go and see it. NOW.

And you will find that the M4 of life is something Beckett is very concerned with. Life is waiting to die. How very Larkinesque.

Beckett suggests we pass the time with irrelevant and pointless pursuits. It makes the abyss come quicker. Get to the end of your life and at least you can say you passed the time doing something. Sit around and do nothing and it will be a very slow wait.

And what if no-one remembers you? No-one remembers Patrick Stewart’s character. If no-one remembers you, are you alive? Have you lived? Is a life defined through other’s perceptions of us?

I never said it was uplifting, though you will find it very funny. It is comedy at its darkest.

But its one overwhelming message is uplifting: avoid the routines and habits of life. Live freely, do not conform blindly and move along the self-defined tracks of habit.

As excuses go for messing about with Jade’s phone and causing her much embarrassment, you have to admit that that is pretty impressive. Just making sure you’re remembered, darling, that you aren’t stuck in the habit. Oh, and I thought it would be funny.